my first steps...

I like most people joined a gym when I had made my decision to get healthy but I knew having the membership was not enough so I prepaid for personal training. I am so cheap I knew if I paid for it first you better believe I would go. My first session was eye opening I was measured and weighed and man that was rough. Sometimes people say how could you not see yourself getting so big and honestly there is so much denial and self hate you just train yourself not to look. Sure you notice that stairs are your number one enemy and clothes shopping is not a good time but you learn how to cleverly crop your photos and buy designer handbags instead of jeans. I honestly didn't look at the scale on my first day so my start weight is my highest I have ever weighed myself at, 237. Yeah I just typed that no looking back now. The first week was slow going for me, I was not in it whole heartedly. Then came Thanksgiving and the hubby made Turducken..... so yeah when my trainer emailed I was a little scared. That week when we met he laid it on the line. I had to make a decision to live or continue killing myself. Well I kicked it into gear, first I tackled my food.... As I have said I consider myself a food addict and I struggle daily with negative sabotaging thoughts regarding my diet. I have been known to cry in restaurants simply because of the emotional internal struggle of ordering. I had gone to a few OA meetings and knew that weighing and measuring all my meals would be the only way but I took it one step further cooking, weighing and packing all my meals for the week and popping em in the freezer to ensure I don't have to deal with making those choices unprepared. Then for my workouts I actually accomplished my 6 day per week workout schedule. It wasn't easy, I couldn't sit down for a few days after my first spinning class but it was worth it. When I met my trainer at the end of the week I was so proud to report I had accomplished all of it, the food, drinking 8 glasses of water daily and working out 6 days that week! Well he has a crazy way of congratulating me because what transpired was 60 minutes of the hardest work out of my life! We started with the warm up, running on an incline the rest is a blur except for 2 key moments. I am an avid watcher of The Biggest Loser and I have seen them jumping up on the platforms and this season a contestant had a mental block and could not jump onto it, well I had a mini panic attack when my trainer pulled it out and told me to jump on it. The first leap I had to jump back because I din't land well but I was so shocked to have even just done that I kept going and was able to jump up onto it 10 times! I can't describe how awesome that felt. The end of the workout was about 35 minutes of walking lunges holding 20lbs of weight. I thought I would die or worse throw up at the gym! But I did it and I sweat more than I ever have in my life. I have been sore for 2 days now but I still managed to bang out my cardio yesterday so I am considering this a great success!

I had some anxiety this week when my husband and I were invited to a birthday party. All I could think about is the menu: stuffed shells, garlic bread, cheese and crackers, chips, soda, and cheesecake. It was important for us to be there for our friends but I wasn't sure. We showed up early and stayed in the living room. They had thoughtfully put out carrots but I didn't even walk over to the table I had my water bottle and we just enjoyed the conversation. When dinner was about to be served we politely excused ourselves and headed home to enjoy our own food. It was the first time I had attended an event like that and did not eat anything and it felt good!

The food plan is working and i have been consuming 1290 calories daily and had nothing to drink but water. I am panicky a bit though because my trainer asked me if I could cut that to 1050 cals/day and that scares me a bit. He promises we can weigh in on WED so I will be able to see my progress and update the world!